is it wrong for someone to ask why? asking why as in “why did you choose me?” I feel that when you do people don’t give you the real answer. well, not to me anyway. and that bugs me because I like the truth. I want the real answer. I CAN HANDLE IT! whether it’s because you actually like me, enjoy my company, think I have an amazing personality or because you thought I was easy, liked my ass, or like how I spend my money on you. it would let me know where whatever we have is going. i’ll respect you more now that I know the truth. but can I get some feedback. why can’t I/shouldn’t I ask why?

I talk too much. I think too much too. I don’t know why, and I have talked about this before, but I don’t see this as anything. maybe this is a sign to just go with it day by day instead of thinking long term. thinking can ruin things, good things. I like where things are at, but I feel that it’s soon coming to an end. I think I could deal with that, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want it to because I enjoy this that much. to actual have someone actual want to talk to me and be around and see me. I don’t want to think to much into and I know I shouldn’t. let’s just see how things play out. no need to question things. I don’t want to mess things up.

I think that’s why I take too long, but I was thinking about my future and career choice. I mean I love culinary and I love cooking. I also love to eat. I don’t feel that that’s enough. In the future I want to open up a dance studio in Europe so I could teach my little ones how to dance. I want to tour the world singing my songs for people. of course I cant write songs, but I can write. I want to have people buying my books . acting has my interest too. see my face on the big screen or see the character I voice would just shock the life out of me. I want to make designers want me to walk down their runways and make their clothes look fabulous. oh my gosh, wouldn’t it be something to see people wear my clothes too! maybe one day i’ll have a showing of my artwork. one day I want to learn as many languages as I can so I can travel the world and translate. BUT my day one dream of being a princess is one that would forever be a dream to come true. I WILL BE A PRINCESS!! I guess being a Pisces has this effect on my decisions and dreams and such. There is a major for me in college. it’s called undecided, although I don’t think that’s really a major. but who’s to say that when the time comes to picking my study I still wouldn’t know what to do then? I just want to try it all and makes those dreams come true. i mean, how cool would that be?

i will get “fluffy” and finally enjoy my body image ( not that I don’t, but i’ll try and obtain my dream body). i’m doing all my planning a research on things now so when june first comes i’ll be ready to get right, tight, and FLUFFFFFFFFFFFFEHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

hope you guys enjoy them :)

I dislike a lot of things about myself,

          But I also dislike that I dislike those things. I dislike how I have not yet been able to accept my flaws. I dislike the fact that I have yet to keep the person that I like for a long time. I dislike how I have yet to find peace with my body. I dislike the way I compare myself to other girls. I dislike that I have not yet accepted my own beauty and that I might never do that. I dislike the fact that I am lazy and procrastinate out of the ass for almost everything. I dislike how my freshman year at JWU has ended on a bad note. I dislike that I can’t handle confrontation and I need too. I dislike that my friends are always right, but then they ruin shit for me. I dislike that I tan too easily even if I’m outside for five minutes. I dislike that I am constantly getting judged by people who never sat down and had a two minutes conversation with me. I dislike how my father would never accept me if I had a girlfriend. I dislike that my mother could never keep anything between us. I dislike that I might be disowned from my dad’s side of the family if I decided to tell them I had sex before marriage. I dislike that I would look like a failure if I were to get pregnant now instead of a happy mother who made the right choice to not take someone’s life. I dislike that if I like someone my friend would go after them too and I would never get a chance. I dislike that I am liked for my body and never for my personality first. I dislike how our friendship started, but it devastates me how it ended. I dislike that I have to end this project on a sad note, but its how I am feeling. I dislike that I dislike a lot of things about myself. I hope one day I can change all that.

At 18 I graduated from Teaneck High School, which after getting sick I didn’t think it was possible.

1. At 1, I found out that I was going to my number one choice school, Johnson & Wales University.
2. At 18, my youngest brother, from my father’s wife who everyone in my family thinks that the only reason they got married was because she was pregnant, turned one year old.
3. At 18, I got to go to Trinidad and see my family who I haven’t since I was 4.
4. At 18, I got my first tattoo with my grandmother and aunt ‘Hakuna Matata.’
5. At 18, I got my smiley piercing even though my mother didn’t approve of it.
6. At 18, I was prepared for sex.
7. At 19, I lost my virginity.
8. At 18, I got my tongue pierced once and for the wrong reason (and not even the piercing I wanted), but I enjoyed it and my septum pierced twice.
9. At 18, I got two more tattoos that I paid for over Christmas break that my mother got mad at, but she’s over it now.
10. At 19, I got two more tattoos that my mother knows nothing about. Can’t wait to hear about these when I get home.
11. At 18, I lost my first true love.
12. At 19, I found someone just like her, but I lost him too.
13. At 19, I did live a bit of a scandalous life, but now I have given it up. That is too much work and people get butt hurt to easily.
14. At 19, I have decided to leave JWU and apply to Drexel. It has nothing to do with what people think it has to do with. It’s the school. Maybe a person too.
15. At 19, I have learned to not trust anybody and go back to hold ways. Meaning I will start back keeping shit to myself.
16. At 18, I have worn a hairstyle I never said I would try again but I actually enjoyed it, weave.
17. At these two ages, I have made an impact on many people lives, whether if we stayed friends or just talked once
18. At 20 and 21, I hope I am still alive to keep making a difference and proving everyone who doubted me in the past wrong.
Heck, I still want to be the wild child that I am at 80.

i’m about to post two of my journals that i handed in today for my project.